


Nothing Lasts Forever

by treefrogie84



Series: Dust in the Wind [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode Tag, F/M, Gen, Smart Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 6,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8635543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treefrogie84/pseuds/treefrogie84
Summary: It's been four months. In a small wood, a flash of light, a soundless explosion. A group of demons veer drastically north. A young father says yes.
The thoughts between hunts, the things we don't see on screen. Episode codas and fill-in for every episode of season 4.





	1. Lazarus Rising

**Author's Note:**

> So many thank yous to [DorkilySoulless](http://archiveofourown.org/users/custodian/pseuds/dorkilysoulless), [SolsticeKitten](http://solsticekitten.tumblr.com/), and non-fandom coworkers for editing, holding my hand, and being willing to work through random ass questions with me.

Hell is forever dim and smoky, sulfur and chlorine burning his eyes while glass shards and razor wire cut into his skin. It _hurts_ , and not in a way he can get used to like the dull ache of a wrenched knee. Hell is the constant sharp, fresh pain of a tack in the sole of his foot, of slamming his finger in a door frame, of watching everyone he ever loved walk away from him. He bears it anyway. He’s seen what happens to those who can’t bear it, who break down under the pain: they’re trod underfoot and turned to greasy mud, useful only to keep the great wheels Dean is yoked to turning.

Dean’s so engrossed in his work that the sudden absence of guards barely registers. He’s trying something new with this soul, trying to preserve facial symmetry while slowly filleting the meat from the bones. It takes a delicate hand because, it turns out, faces really will freeze like that. Staying focused is key, it’s just art if he’s focused. Art he’s good at even, with steady hands and a working knowledge of anatomy. 

The light changes, the sickly radiation glow of ancient demons washed out by something clean and pure. There is never anything new in Hell, but now… now there is. Aurora blaze overhead, jewel-toned fireworks sparkling against the smoke. The lights are dimmer near the ground, but the healthy bioluminescence encroaches where before there was only cancer. 

He pauses as the lights sweep closer, burning away smoke and darkness. For the first time, he can see flashes of the underlying structure- walls meant to imitate the beauty of Heaven, but made grotesque by the materials the builder had to hand- and then, the lights move on and the corruption shrouds them again. He turns away. He doesn’t deserve even tainted beauty, not anymore. There was a time he might have, when he still hoped that Sam and Bobby would find a way to get him out, but that was years, decades ago; there’s no reason to hope for rescue now. Why would anyone come looking after nearly forty years? Even if they found a way, he can’t go with them. Earth is for humans and he isn’t, not anymore. 

Above him, a shimmering gem splits from the mass, but is snuffed out by the encroaching smoke. A second, cobalt, quickly follows the path of the first, arcing towards Dean. Several others follow behind, a rainbow of color in a place painted with old blood. 

The soul on the rack in front of him cries out, garnering the attention of the lights. Dean flinches away, watching his hand return to human shape in the glitter. Oh. He breathes out as the corruption fades, memories slotting into place. Dean slices the soul’s throat, the last mercy he can offer, consigning it to the oblivion of the mud pits. That’s the last one, forever. He kills monsters, he doesn’t do their dirty work for them, even after he’s become one. He changes grips on the knife, preparing to join the lost, become nothing more than lubrication. 

An aquamarine gem with its six faces is suddenly there, freezing his hand and inserting an appendage between the knife and Dean’s chest. “No, Dean. Not yet. We have need of you.”


	2. Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester

The faith Sam learned in hundreds of motels, over a dozen schools, the few friends he had, has always been there. How could it not be? They hunt the impossible every day and they have proof positive of demons. Demons and angels are two sides of a coin, fighting for the future of humanity. And somehow, his brother has caught the attention of Heaven. His hard-drinking, womanizing brother somehow earned being dragged out of Hell personally. 

It hurts, a bit, that Castiel will appear to Dean but not to him. Despite how hard he tries, near perfect grades and shooting scores, he will never be good enough, never be pure. He’s known that since he was a kid. Fuck, he’s just tarnished. Would he be the important one if Azazel had left their family alone? Or left him alone? 

Sam can see the changes that the last four months have made in Dean. He might not remember what happened in Hell, but he is still scarred. Sam isn’t sure how to ease the trauma, but he has to do _something_. For once in his life, he can be the caretaker, the protector.

He questioned, early on, if using his powers was a good idea. If training with Ruby was the right thing to do. But she saved him, got him sober and gave him a path towards his vengeance. Sam still has the occasional doubt, how could he not? If Ruby’s intentions were truly as pure as she claims, surely she wouldn’t cut and run at the first sign of Heaven’s interference?

But the Witnesses, for all that they were a gory mess, are a sign that he made the right decision. Training to use the powers he has, choosing to use them them to serve light instead of darkness, that’s something he can do. Telekinesis is harder than the visions, harder to control, but infinitely more useful. Even if it does require the occasional demonic boost, he’s doing something positive with it, taking back the control Azazel never wanted him to have.


	3. In the Beginning

Castiel has not been to Earth in millennia. While this vessel fits as well as can be expected, it is confining. Constrained to one set of dimensions instead of all. James Novak’s soul remains, clings like an octopus.

Xe is, and always has been, a good soldier, near the vanguard on every expedition to Hell since xe was assigned to xyr garrison, just past fledgling-hood. Then a galactic year of patrol, with only the occasional recall back to Earth, working xyr way through the ranks from messenger to captain. It was an honor unasked to be assigned to the mission to retrieve the Righteous Man. Another honor to be assigned to guide him.

Xe does not question xyr orders to return Dean Winchester to Earth year 1973 (common calendar). If this is what the battle leaders have decreed, it is what shall be done. Castiel does wonder at the second part of the order: transporting Dean Winchester whole and embodied to the past is much more energy intensive than simply dragging his consciousness to the past where it can observe but not interact. 

His vessel’s soul curls more firmly around xem, pulsing with curiosity, sending waves throughout Castiel. 

Xe is firm in xyr response, in shutting down James Novak’s questions. Never once does Castiel remember questioning the wisdom of xyr superiors, xe does not do so now. If it has been decreed that Dean Winchester’s trip is to happen in a certain way, it will.

Xe catches Uriel’s brief pulse of disgust as Castiel passes along the garrison’s orders, but it is slight, falling far short of insubordination. It is not worthy of response. 

Xe flies to Dean Winchester and then again to the appointed place-time. Dean Winchester’s constant battle forces xym to expend even more energy than expected. Exhaustion curls in the vessel’s gut, or perhaps sickness. (Can humans get time sick?) No matter, there is time to rest before returning to Dean Winchester’s present.


	4. Metamorphosis

Dean has never been scared of Sam and he refuses to start now. Just because he’s using the same abilities as the demons that tortured him doesn’t mean that Sam’s the same as them. Sam is kind and good, cursed before his birth. There is no reason whatsoever to be frightened. Now, if only he could get his gut to agree.

His body’s been on high alert for weeks now, panicking over the simplest shit: the scrape of a chair on tile, cracking wood, the tick of Baby’s engine cooling after a long drive. He’s been ruthlessly suppressing every startle response, every flinch away from Bobby and Sam. He survived Hell, survived the worst they could throw at him, but his little brother raising his hand to scratch his nose is terrifying. 

Every time Dean sees Sam use his powers, even if it’s for a good cause, he’s thrust back to the early days of Hell. Before he’d caught the eye of Alastair, when the lesser demons were still just stringing him up, pulling memories from him, making things real before twisting them out of shape to taunt him. They used the same skills, the same motions as Sam. 

He wants to force himself to get over it and believe what Sam’s doing is on the up and up. Saving possession victims would be freaking awesome. But Sam’s powers have always been kinda hinky, and knowing they’re related to what Azazel did to Sam? To their mom? 

There’s got to be a catch. No way this comes out to a net positive.


	5. Monster Movie

Sam leans back and watches Dean flirt with the bartender. If Dean wants to go after some chick at a bar for his first time back in the saddle, good for him. Not really Sam’s taste, but then, he’s never been given a whole new body to break in. He’s got Ruby anyway. It’s a complicated relationship, but it’s nice and regular. 

Ok, it’s not a relationship at all. They’re fuck buddies. It’s never going to be some grand love story. He certainly doesn’t trust her, not like he trusts Dean or Bobby, not like he trusted Jess. Hell, he still doesn’t entirely trust he won’t end up with a knife in his throat. Sam knows perfectly well while that Ruby claims to have his best interests in mind, that will only last until his interests run counter to her own.

It’s time for Sam to be moving back to the motel anyway. Clear out for someplace else, give Dean some privacy. Get out of Dean’s way before things get awkward. A nice night for a few beers by himself. Research on interesting things, like learning Enochian (seems like that’ll be useful) or hell, he’s got the time, maybe he’ll just wiki surf for a while.

Sam misses having friends to hang out with besides his brother sometimes. He wonders if if Ruby will answer her phone tonight. Not using his abilities anymore doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see her again. Sam misses her, misses the caustic humor. And the sex. He’s spent the past five months getting laid on the regular and he misses it. Checking the time on his phone, he shoots a quick text to Dean, lets him know the room will be clear in about an hour, before dropping some cash on the table to cover his tab and heading out.


	6. Yellow Fever

It takes days for the symptoms to fully clear up. Days of catching hellhounds out of the corner of his eye, of Sammy’s eyes turning yellow, of his heart beating out of control. Dean wants to crawl into a hole, or better yet, Bobby’s safe room, and drink himself into a stupor until it’s over, but that would involve letting Sam know just how badly he’s fucked in the head.

Dean knows he’s fucked. He’s caught enough daytime TV to armchair diagnose himself, and getting drunk and filling out one of those online questionnaires did the rest of the job for him: PTSD, depression, possibly (probably) alcoholism. He’s a disaster of mental health and should probably check himself into an institution . Instead, he’s got a bottle of Jack, more weapons than he can count, and a job where being trigger happy is a benefit. 

He’d been doing… well, not great, but okay at repressing Hell, but this stupid ghost sickness ripped that wound right back open. He’s back in Hell every time he closes his eyes, back to tearing apart the victims of demon deals like so much useless meat. 

He never should have picked up that knife, should have been stronger. Dad held out for a century, what the fuck is wrong with him that Dean can’t last more than a third of that? He’s supposed to be the clean one, untainted by demon blood. 

Instead, he’s a monster in a way Sam will never be. Sam has never, will never, make a choice to hurt others to save himself. Even the taint he carries isn’t his choice, it’s Mom’s and Azazel’s (and maybe even his own, what with that trip to 1973). All the ghost sickness does is reinforce something that Dean already knows: if he can become that monster, he deserves Hell. It terrifies him.


	7. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

Castiel does not question. Doubts and questions are for humans, or those who fell with Lucifer. Even if, warmly nested against xyr vessel’s soul, the smallest, crystallized wavelength of Castiel persists in pointing out where the Commanders are making decisions that do not match what Castiel sees on the battlefield. It is unclear if the choices are due to information that Castiel does not have or they are using faulty information.

Dean Winchester is a good man, empathetic towards his fellow humans, putting them before himself day after day. The Commanders surely do not think that destroying a town will convince him to assist their efforts. Lying to the Righteous Man, not doing everything in Heaven’s power to stop the breaking of a Seal, this is not a good strategy to prevent Lucifer from being freed. This is more likely to provoke the breaking of a Seal.

Uriel would rather destroy everything, including the humans in their charge, than allow a Seal to be broken. Castiel is certain that there must be a different way, one that allows the town to live and keeps the Seal intact. Xe is not certain that Uriel will allow a third option.

Jimmy Novak stirs in his slumber near that crystallized part of Castiel, curling closer to xem, sending shockwaves throughout. Xe must contain xyr uncertainty until later. Later, when the strategy must surely be logical in hindsight. Until then, there are orders to be carried out.


	8. Wishful Thinking

Dean’s lying about not remembering Hell, but Sam’s not sure why. Yeah, Dean has an almost pathological need to deal with shit by himself, but there’s a huge difference between ‘No chick flick moments’ and flat out lying. 

Sam’s practically been attached to his brother’s hip since Castiel dragged Dean’s ass out of Hell, and yet he still managed to completely miss that Dean is crumbling. 

Or maybe he didn’t miss it. Maybe he chose to ignore it when Dean’s drinking moved earlier in the day without a hunt to justify it. Let himself miss how often Dean was already awake when he woke up. Didn’t bother to notice how often he just let Sam talk. In retrospect, it’s all so very fucking obvious. 

He missed it. Missed it because his head’s been up his own ass about Ruby, about his powers, about being snubbed by the angels. And for what? A fleeting sense of superiority when he proves to be better at something than Dean? Small wonder that Dean doesn’t want to talk about it.

That still doesn’t change the fact that Sam wishes that Dean would actually own up to his shit. How fucking hard is it to just not lie when asked a direct question? To just use his fucking words? Dean’s quick enough to speak up on every other subject, why not this one? 

Sam just wants a fucking break from Dean and hunting. A proper vacation with a beach, umbrella drinks, and Ruby in a bikini. He’s grateful that he got Dean back, but something needs to give. Otherwise he’s going to haul off and beat the shit out of Dean out of sheer frustration.


	9. I Know What You Did Last Summer

Just like Dean suspected, admitting to Sam that he remembered Hell just made things worse. He gets that sometimes Sam wants to protect him, but that’s not Sammy’s job. Even if it was, Sam’s acting so squirrelly about Ruby that Dean isn’t sure he can trust him. 

Seriously. The bitch lies to them for a year, strings them along with fake promises about being able to break the deal, shows up after months of being AWOL, and just _happens_ to end up switching bodies with Lilith? Dean’s not even convinced she remembers being human, that it’s not just a good line to feed to Sam to make sure he feels protective. Dean’s not much of an expert on relationships, but it doesn’t seem like any relationship that requires that level of blatant manipulation is a healthy one. 

Demons don’t just become good again, no matter what she claims.

Sam doesn’t seem to realize that’s what all of this is. Manipulation, get the monkeys to dance. Heaven, Hell, probably Purgatory too: everyone’s trying to pull their strings. Dean doesn’t know what the goal is yet, but he can see a game when it’s being played. Sending him back to witness Mom’s deal, letting him fall into Hell, Sam’s abilities… he and his brother are pawns. 

Now they’re haring off on some hunt Ruby’s tossed their way, because demons never lie and never manipulate situations to their benefit. It is possible this poor girl is in danger, is being hunted by demons. But Dean doesn’t believe for a second that’s the real motivation behind sending them after her.

So yeah, Anna Milton exists, and she’s probably real important to demons and their war, and she probably really did escape from a locked ward. But dollars to donuts she’s a pawn, just like the two of them. Just like Mom. Unfortunately, knowing he’s a pawn doesn’t let Dean see the board any clearer.


	10. Heaven and Hell

Sam’s so out of his depth dealing with Dean’s trauma. He’s out of his depth and doesn’t know what to do, and fuck, Sam misses Jess. She always had a way of making things seem manageable while he was still freaking out over the shape of the big picture. He looks around at the roadside park surrounding them. This part, road trips and camping, she would like. The hunting itself? She would have hated. Hated never having a stable home or income, her entire life limited to what fits in a duffle bag and a backpack. Sam hates it on her behalf, the constant exhaustion and aches and pains. 

Ruby is much better suited to this life and he can’t tarnish her, there’s no inherent kindness to ruin. If it was ever there, it burned out in Hell centuries ago. She is better, even if every time Dean sees her, he freezes up, has to work through a new batch of terror. Sam’ll just keep them separate again. He _needs_ Ruby in his life, needs her training and everything else that goes with it. 

Dean’ll get over it, eventually. It would help if they had an actual therapist, but he’s worked through every other traumatic thing. Why would this be any different? Short of Heaven actually getting off their asses and defending their damn Seals instead of sending douche wads after angels who become human, it’s the best they can do. In the meantime, the best therapy he can offer is killing every monster they come across and keeping that creep Alastair away from Dean while he works through it.


	11. Family Remains

Dean’s pushing them too hard, and he knows it. Pretty soon Sam’s going to dig in his heels and demand a few days off, make a mysterious phone call, and disappear for a few hours and Dean… Dean will research hunts until it’s late enough to hit a bar. Hustle a few games and then back to the room to stare at folders of failures.

They’re all failures now. He can’t possibly predict what hunt will pop up where, which Seal will fail next, but they’re all failures anyway because he’s not strong enough to make it all stop. He’s just another monster with a blade, bloodthirsty as any demon. He’s just lucky enough to still be human shaped and capable of guilt.

He doesn’t understand why they chose to pull him out of the Pit. He’s lost track of how many people he hurt in Hell. Good people who made their deals because their kid had cancer or their partner died in some stupid accident, people who took their punishment and didn’t break. Now he needs to pay his penance, earn the second chance, save as many as he can to deserve it. 

Dean almost wishes that Heaven would make good on its threat and toss him back in. He knows they won’t, they don’t have any other options, but it scares the bejesus out of him anyway. He’d rather they just did it. He’s done a pretty good job at pretending it doesn’t scare him, that the idea of being turned back into Alastair’s pet isn’t beyond his worst nightmares. But every nightmare he wakes up from is another reminder that he doesn’t deserve this.

Can Sam even tell how scared Dean is? Why? How most of the terror is about being unable to complete his penance before being tossed back in? It’ll happen. Eventually, he’ll end back up in the pit, Alastair’s apprentice back at work.

He’s started praying to Anna whenever he thinks about it. Or, he guesses it’s praying. It’s actually long, rambling, one-sided conversations with the void. It was important to her that he forgive himself. He hasn’t managed it yet, but some days he can almost believe that she’s forgiven him. Assuming she cares about anything but following orders anymore now that she’s an angel again. Still, she reclaimed her Grace to save them all. The least he can do is keep her updated.


	12. Criss Angel is a Douchebag

Sam can tell before they’re even out of Nebraska that Dean’s blaming himself for everything that went wrong. Because apparently Dean’s the one responsible for some sicko’s poor life choices, and yeah, they didn’t save everyone, but they saved most of the family at least. The only person who didn’t deserve it was Ted, and that’s still a better mortality rate for a hunt that goes bad than they normally have. 

Sam’s flipping through the newspaper now, hoping he doesn’t find a hunt. They’re about halfway back to Bobby’s and he wants nothing more than to collapse into a bed that actually fits him. The tear that Dean’s on? If he finds a hunt, or a trace of one, Sam can say goodbye to getting a few days rest. 

It’s frustrating. Nothing they’re doing is making any progress towards stopping Lucifer’s rise. For something of vital importance, the Angels appear to be more concerned with dissension in their own ranks than keeping Seals in place. Unless Dean’s heard from Castiel, it’s been over a month since they’ve heard _anything_. Considering that Heaven wanted Dean topside bad enough to drag him out of Hell (undoubtedly kicking and screaming, Sam knows his brother), he can only wonder why they’re just leaving him spinning his wheels.

Worse, Ruby’s gone silent too. No new training, no news out of Hell. It feels like they’re just twiddling their thumbs, waiting for something to happen. Sam’s cool with that plan (he’s got a few translations he’d like to be working on), but Dean? Dean is losing his mind and dragging Sam all over the country in the process. 

Sam lets out a sigh as his eyes land on a headline on the regional news page: Mysterious Death at Magician’s Expo. At least it’s on their way to Sioux Falls. They can drop in, check it out, and if it’s not their kind of thing, maybe they’ll make Bobby’s place by sunset.


	13. After-School Special

The only reason Sam even remembered the school was because it was the last time he’d had Dean looking after him. He’d had over half a dozen schools that year, the last year before Dean had settled them down in New Mexico so Sam could have something resembling a normal high school experience.

The rest of it, Dirk, Barry, even the English teacher, were faded, more experiences and impressions than proper memories. 

Dean’s silent beside him as they drive out of town, some Hendrix song playing on the radio. Cases with kids always hit Dean hard, their past come calling is even worse. Maybe it’s just as well that they’ve got a war to fight. Not enough time to stew in their own juices. 

Sam is still wrestling with Wyatt’s question when Dean turns the car west, chasing the weak sunlight. They ride like that for hours, silently counting their dead and their mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a [deleted scene](http://treefrogie84.tumblr.com/post/153620545632/after-school-special) for this chapter on my tumblr. If you're interested in Dean's POV for this episode.


	14. Sex and Violence

Sam forces himself to take a couple of deep breaths. Tries to remember that in Dean’s head, he’s just been forcibly outed, in front of his brother and uncle. 

(Never mind that Sam has known for years that Dean’s not particularly picky, and Bobby has probably known forever too. Hint, Dean: be less obvious when hitting on the bartender to score cheap drinks. Sam even took classes on this shit at Stanford so when Dean did finally come out, he could be supportive while Dad flipped his shit.)

None of that prepared him for Dean being seduced by a siren,, who then tried to convince them to kill each other while their relationship was already strained to the limit..

They need to discuss it. They need to talk about so many different things, and Dean’s sexuality is probably the least important. They need to deal with how fragile this peace is between them, so fragile that it can be shattered by a fucking siren. They can’t just wallpaper over it, pretend that they’re good, pretend that Sam didn’t aim directly for the most delicate parts of Dean’s psyche when given a chance.

Dean needs to let him do this, needs not to withdraw from it, or pretend that emotions can grow a callous if he ignores the pain. Sam has to keep pushing at that wound until Dean lets him grow up. Until Dean trusts Ruby, and Sam, to not steer them wrong. 

Because Dean is wrong about Ruby. She’s on their side. She went up against Alastair for them, faced her worst fears. What more does Dean want to prove it?


	15. Death Takes a Holiday

It’s not the first time someone has died on his watch. Dean has never been able to spot the pattern before the hunt descends into death and destruction. He just thought they would have a chance on this one. If death is skipping over this town for whatever reason, maybe there is time to figure out what happened and stop it without anyone dying. If no one can die, he can’t fuck it up.

Instead, everyone died anyway. Castiel is acting like he should be proud they saved a Seal, but all Dean can see is half a dozen people who thought they’d gotten a pass before he fucked it up. A win that feels like a loss. Especially Pam. 

Pam, who had already given up her sight. Who didn’t want to get involved again. And they dragged her in anyway. And then Dean got her killed, just like he gets everyone killed. He’s staring down the barrel at 30 and he keeps getting everyone he cares about killed.

Dean wonders sometimes, late at night after far too much whiskey, if Cas actually saved him at all or if he’s actually in front of the rack. This feels real in a way Hell never did, but sometimes, he can still hear Hell around him, smell the stench of blood and iron and sulfur. He can hide the shakiness of his hands from Sam, maybe even from Cas, but coming face to face with Alastair and then Pam’s death? 

He’s not okay. And he’s not sure he’s ever going to be okay again when someone around him dies.


	16. On the Head of a Pin

A constant drone of mourning underlies Heaven’s praise of the Most Holy. Everywhere Castiel turns, another angel is dead. At least two killed by other angels. Their orders, to capture or kill the fallen Anael, imply that she is the one responsible for the deaths. Yet, all her movements have been focused on evasion and escape. Something is missing, some vital piece of information. 

Uriel believes the demon Alastair has the missing information. That Hell has somehow contacted Lucifer and she has passed along some method of killing angels that the Host has forgotten. It is possible with over half the Seals locking the Cage broken, Lucifer’s whispers can escape and are able to stir the demons to fresh action, passing along something new. 

No angel Castiel has met remembers the construction of the Cage, few remember the final battle, Michael and Raphael forcing Lucifer inside while Gabriel worked to lock it. Xe remembers the scorching of the sky when Lucifer’s followers were cast down. Gathering at the outskirts of the Garden, all the fledglings shown a Great Light before some were stripped of their connection to the Host and rejected, watching as their wings burned and crisped and turned to ash while in motion. 

Dean’s soul is xyrs to guide. This action, forcing Dean to resume his role as Alastair’s apprentice is doomed to fail.The only thing this is going to accomplish is forcing the barely healed cracks in Dean’s soul back open. Earth is too real, the methods of Hell too limited by this plane’s reality. Uriel is wrong if he thinks Alastair will break on this plane.

This… pains xem. Watching the Righteous Man follow their demands, even after forcing them to acknowledge that what comes back will not be the man they want. Castiel does not understand the revelation that Uriel has received, and it hurts. To make it even worse, James’ soul is pushing at the doubts, making them even more obvious when they’ve been reinforced.


	17. It’s a Terrible Life

Zachariah doesn’t do them the kindness of removing the extra memories. Instead, Sam spends days with two lives in his head.

_He wakes up next to Madison, wrapped around her in their bed._ He wakes up alone, with Dean in the next bed over. _He goes to work, walks grandparents through restarting their printers._ He goes to work, tracks the moon cycle and werewolves. He calls _Madison_ Ruby and Ruby _Madison_ and no longer has a solid grasp on which set of memories is true.

It fades with time. Reading Dean’s journal helps. Knowing that Madison is dead, has been dead for years, because he killed her. He killed her because she asked him to, because she was a werewolf and that’s the only cure. Her phone number redirecting to an animal hospital makes a tragic sort of sense in that light.

But it still hurts.

Dean had implanted memories of a family, growing up middle class, of a childhood. Sam… doesn’t. He has none of that. It’s not clear if the angels just did work as hard on him or if Sam Wesson didn’t get anymore of a childhood than Sam Winchester. It doesn’t surprise him too much: after all, Dean is the one who is fighting the bit. Angels want nothing to do with Sam, aside from flinging the occasional insult his way, warning him to stop using his powers. 

Like Heaven even understands what he’s doing. How powerful he feels. He’s useful with Ruby by his side, near unbeatable. If he’d had this four years ago, Jessica would still be alive. If he’d had this four years ago, his life would have still be on track. He’d be finishing up law school.

Everything since then wouldn’t have happened if he had just… practiced. Just like he’d been told, once he gave in and started practicing, switches just flipped, one after the other. Ava had started with premonitions but had moved on to other skills. Andy as well. And now he is too. Just years too late to save himself the pain.


	18. The Monster at the End of this Book

Maybe, just maybe, Cas might not be as big of jackass as his brothers. He’s still a dick, but Dean can read between the lines just fine. Cas is getting a lot of pressure from his superiors to stay out of this, stay away from them, maintain his emotionless facade. Hell, the dude might be under increased scrutiny himself if a traitor has been hiding in his garrison. 

But that was a human talking. What does he know. He was never in the Army, never had to organize troops beyond his green army men when he was a kid. Dean only ever needed to know how to take orders and obey them.

As a consequence, he’s also gotten really good at finding the loophole. Dad says they’re only allowed at the store, school, and the motel? Get an under the table job at the store. Or behind the store. Dean’s choices are constrained by what a prophet writes or what an angel tells him? He’ll make up new choices within those constraints.

It’s just a matter of deciding if ‘the store’ includes the dumpsters around back. 

Chuck’s already written that the confrontation is going to happen at their motel. Briefly, Dean wonders if simply deleting the Word document or erasing the computer would be an easier way to solve the problem, but there’s not enough time to experiment. Cas can’t help anymore than he already has, has probably fucked himself over with the hierarchy of Heaven already. 

It’s just a matter of finding the loophole. There always is one. Preferably without getting anyone killed, or at least, not getting Sam killed. For that, he’s gonna need the big guns. And if there’s a gun bigger than an archangel…

Dean grins and grabs his keys. Time to bring Mohammed to the mountain.


	19. Jump the Shark

If they never got a chance to be normal, why should Adam? The closest Sam got was at Stanford and even then, he was on edge more often than he wasn’t. It’s nice that Dean thinks that’s an option, but Dean also got to check out for four months while Sam and Bobby tried to find a way to bring him back and get other hunters organized to hunt the remaining demons that had escaped when the hellgate opened.

It’s the end times, or near enough. The world needs as many hunters as they can get trained. There weren’t enough before all this and now… seems like every time he listens to the gossip another hunter is dead. Even if they start training him now, Adam will be next to useless for at least the next six months he sticks with them. But after that? After that they can start sending him on milk runs. He can take easier hunts, maybe pair him up with another hunter. Or send Adam with Dean while Sam hunts by himself. 

Fine. Dean wants out, he can get out. And in exchange, Sam’ll train Adam from scratch, train him into the the ruthlessness that this job requires. The family business doesn’t have any room for weakness, not now. Not ever. No room for Dean’s desire to stay on Heaven’s good side.

Dean’s too weak to do what needs to be done. There is no way he can even prevent Lucifer’s rise, let alone hold him off. Dean’s been wanting to get out for ages, keeps moaning about not wanting to do this anymore, it’s taken too much from them.


	20. The Rapture

Jimmy’s spent most of the past year compressed into a small corner of his body, curled against the central facet of Castiel. He’s been pushed aside, ignored, nearly forgotten. But at the same time, he’s watched that central facet change, cracks forming at the surface and spreading.

He’s certainly done his best to force the cracks deeper, every time. He sleeps sometimes, or at least it feels like sleep, and when he wakes, the cracks are forced closed. Jimmy’s not entirely certain what those cracks are, at the deepest levels of Castiel, but the wider they are, the more freedom he has. He can see Castiel’s companions through those cracks, can see/taste the pecan/whiskey of Dean, the cookies/coffee of Sam. Angels are different, pure colors he can’t begin to name, refracted and reflected towards infinity. Jimmy much prefers humanity.

Soon, he thinks, the cracks and flaws will be irreparable. 

The sudden expansion when Castiel leaves is frightening. And then, suddenly, Castiel is gone and he is alone in his body. Room to actually breathe for the first time in ages, maybe even shower and eat something. He can actually see Dean and Sam now, see the men who caused all this fuss, separated him from his family. They’re just men. Human, mortal and fallible. 

But it doesn’t matter. He’s going home. If Castiel has no need for him any longer, Jimmy is going to go home. Even if Castiel does need him, he’s going home. He never should have gotten caught up in all this. He’s done his bit, shown humanity to an angel, allowed him to ride around in his skin like it was no big deal. That’s done now. Time to put his family first.


	21. When the Levee Breaks

“I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve heaven, I don't serve man, and I certainly don't serve you.”

Dean freezes as Cas walks away. Something is wrong. Something beyond Sam suddenly going vampire. But he has no time to do anything about it. Everything is falling apart and he has no time. 

He sets Sam to cleaning up the mess (thanks, Cas, for leaving the shit work to the humans) while he walks around the building to get his head on straight. Deep breaths. There’s no time for him to freak out, no matter how much he wants to. 

First things first, or at least, things he can do something about first: his brother is sucking down demon blood. No idea what that does, but it can’t be good. Dean deliberately suppresses the shudder that wants to run down his spine. Pointedly ignores the creeping fear that he failed his brother after all. It took two years, but Dad was right. Dean thought he’d saved Sam but…damn, this is so much worse than he could have imagined.

Is it even possible to reverse this? Dean can feel the panic scrabbling at the edges as he tries to remember how normal people deal with addiction, the pamphlet he thumbed through while stuck in the hospital last winter. The first step is to get them sober?

First step, get to Bobby’s safe room.

After he fixes Sammy, he’ll work on Cas. Or at least, figuring out what changed. Dean really thought they had forged a connection back in December and over the months since. Cas slowly losing the alien feel whenever he dropped in for a chat or just a heads up. But apparently not. He’s just as closed off and assholish as he was in September. It feels wrong. He never misreads people that badly. Dean just needs to figure out what was so important to insist on meeting in person.


	22. Lucifer Rising

When it comes, Raphael descending in Heaven’s vengeance, the end is frozen fury. Castiel has rebelled, banished xyr superior from the earthly plane, kidnapped the only person in creation who has a chance of stopping Lucifer’s rise. 

Castiel has no chance of prevailing, not against an archangel. That’s not the goal, anyway. Xe only has to keep Raphael’s attention here, on xem, for a few moments. Force meets force, and even if xem can’t win, Castiel has learned the value of being a sharp stone in the road.

Raphael is suffocating pressure from all sides, pressing Castiel back into a mold that no longer fits. Because Jimmy spent most of the past year pushing at imperceptible cracks in ~~xyr~~ his grace, slowly pushing them open. ~~Xe~~ He’s expanded beyond the mold that Raphael is pushing him into. Those cracks, places he had viewed as flaws if he noticed them at all, are where Father is pouring in. Castiel has felt closer to the Father in the last ten minutes than he has in eons. 

At the last moment, Castiel pushes Jimmy’s soul from his body, ejecting him clear of the oncoming wave of angelic fury. It is only him who will be crushed. Chuck will be fine, his status as a prophet provides him more protection than he will ever know. For an everlasting heartbeat, Castiel remembers his promise to Jimmy regarding his family, a promise forgotten and now it’s too late. Either Lucifer will rise, and the end will come, and everyone will die or… she will not and humanity will carry on, much as it always has.


End file.
